"so ... what does it feel like to be a Mom?"

HI.

I got this question last week and the only answer I could come up with was "hard." I was trying to think of something funny, witty, or carefree and I realized I didn't have the energy to lie, or think that quickly. So the honest answer came out.

But really, we're alive here. Blogging just hasn't been the priority. It should be though, as sometimes I use blogging as a journal/vent session, and God knows I could use that now, but here goes. Let's just try and get the first two weeks out of the way, and then I promise to update more frequently.



Birth: I had to have a surprise c-section because she was breach. Baby girl turned the last three days, Wednesday at my OB she was facing the right way, Saturday night - nope. My water broke (well, it was a slow trickle, I honestly thought I was peeing myself at first and would not allow Steve to bring the bag into the hospital) and I never went into labor so they couldn't try to turn her. Once the decision was made to have a c-section, things moved pretty quickly and she was out.

Then, her sugar levels dropped and her temperature dropped and she spent two days in the NICU (she was 5 lbs 15 oz when born). Luckily I had a nice nurse who wheeled me down there the first night because it killed me to be away from her. We finally get home and we went into see the pediatrician the very next day and she wanted her to see an orthopedic Dr because they heard a click in her hip, and were thinking she needed to wear a brace!!

The first day home, after trying unsuccessfully to breast feed, my doula, Melina, noticed she was tongue tied, so we made an appt to see an ENT doctor to have it "clipped" which was not fun. Then her newborn screen came back abnormal and we had to go in to have her and I tested for this rare genetic disorder, which she wound up not having (that was probably the scariest moment so far). We were at Children's Hospital three times in her first week. The hip turned out being okay for the time being and we are going back tomorrow for an ultrasound to see if it's better.

In the meantime, I had been pumping since she was born, in the hospital, every three hours and was getting about 5 ml each time (and I was double pumping). She was eating at least 2 oz (so, nowhere near what she was eating). I know the stress of her first two weeks did not help. I kept trying to do the SNS, where the tube comes down but that was getting really hard to do in the middle of the night by myself so I stopped doing that. I decided to just keep pumping until my milk came in, and I would give her whatever I got from the pump, supplementing formula. The lady eats, I mean, she has ZERO problems eating and it's something I am thankful for. I kept pumping (8x a day, every 3 hours, 120 min a day), and it was starting to get pretty hard, so my pediatrician told me to drop a few pumps and pump longer. My friend Kristy let me borrow her book, "Exclusively Pumping" and tried all these cluster pumps, where you would pump for 10 min every hour to try and get it to come in. Nothing. Ever. I got in touch with a lactation consultant, thanks to Donna, and we talked for about 45 minutes, she went through all kinds of questions with me and suggestions. I turned up the pump. I tried fenugreek. And then I got in touch with my OB and was prescribed reglan. And did any of this do anything?? Nope, nadda. So after talking to Steve, and Melina, I decided to stop. It was wearing on me, big time, and I was crying at will very easily. It still really upsets me, I wanted to breast feed very badly, just like I wanted to have a normal birth. It was so bittersweet, I feel a huge relief that I am not tied to the pump anymore, but I am so sad I can't provide for her with breast milk. But I can provide for her in every other way, and that's what I am doing. Honestly though - being able to have Steve help in the middle of the night is really, really nice.

Melina really helped me too, emotionally, and came more often because she could tell I totally had the baby blues. I feel so much better now. I will recommend a doula to EVERYONE. She is very much on my side. When we kind of came to this conclusion, where my milk never came in she supported me like crazy, and told me that I tried harder than most people but that there were great Mom's who never breast fed. It was huge to have that support. And my mother in law is back in town so I'm just trying to make sure someone is around when Steve is at work, for at least an hour or so. It's been SO nice to have the help. I think people need it, and they don't anticipate how HARD it's going to be at first. Luckily I also have three fabulous friends, Jo, Erika and Anita who all have little ones and are home at the moment so we've been getting together. It's a nice sanity check.

I feel like I am starting to get the hang of it, but of course something will change soon and I won't feel like this. The lady moved to her crib this weekend and she's being a rock-star about it. Jane, at this point is either sleeping, going to the bathroom, eating, or being fussy for no apparent reason (this is usually her "Dad time"), or karate chopping me. She also speaks fluent Chinese. Impressive, I know.

Bottom line - this is the hardest thing I've ever experienced and I have a new respect for single mothers (or fathers). You have to have help. Steve is a partner in every way, he does SO much and I needed him to take care of basically everything else (house, food, Vin, George) at first because I was so worried about her. Melina told me to make sure we accepted help when it was offered and so we did. I was in awe of all the food that came our way, and people who wanted to help. I've just never felt so helpless, and I've been reassured by countless friends, this really doesn't go away ... (thanks .. "friends")

However, I am in love with this little girl and it's pretty wild. I just stare at her. Everything she does I am impressed with, and annoyed when Steve is not impressed with her "serious" face, or how strong she holds my finger, or how well she takes a bath. But he's been explaining baseball to her and she seems to dig it (she has to, I hope she knows that). I am so excited about our summer together and exploring our neighborhood. We only have one car so she and I will be hitting the pavement in Roscoe Village and Lincoln Square.

And now she stirs ... more soon. I PROMISE.

Happy two year Anniversary Baby, we are so incredibly blessed.